The gift of unmasking

The unexpected wonder that happens when we can be the truest version of ourselves.

This week I had a three hour teams call with a lovely lady, who I am going to call my friend. This is only the third time of us meeting virtually, the last call lasted two hours.

Our intent had been to discuss work related ideas (menopause & neurodiversity) but the reality was a meeting of kindred spirits. You could say we have known each other 5 minutes and yet it feels like a lifetime.

We talked about all kinds of things but mostly real life, family, parenting and the world of neurodivergence.

I realised some of the things I have been going through, she has been too. The things that in many ways can feel like they make us different,as though if known, might somehow seperate us from others but instead?

They make us the same.

It is like being seen by someone else’s reflection.

Photo by Anita Jankovic on Unsplash

As they nod and nod and have a face of ‘yes, I know, I feel that too.’ Things so specific that they seem uncanny.

It makes me wonder if you could be a fly on the wall in others homes, how many of us are living almost parallel lives and yet feeling isolated because we feel we can’t talk about it?

For fear of judgement, for fear of being seen.

Similar experiences have happened on more than one occasion, particularly since beginning to unmask and get more comfortable with who is underneath.

To be more real, to be more me.

People have walked into my life, just like that, without history but with a knowing that makes them quite frankly, a gift.

Another one of those, who I would love to see more of, when we do arrange to meet, I get a little bit of excitement in my belly.

A little skip happens.

I know that our conversations will always be filled with warmth, kindness and curiosity where we will have space to talk about random topics that have peaked our interest at that moment, with no expectation of right or wrong answers.

There are of course wonderful people I have known and still know but my relationships for the most part until the last few years have involved some masking.

Our interactions will have been followed with worry. What did they think? Did I say the wrong thing? Will they think badly of me for that comment I made?

And I wonder, if they were masking too, will they have had the same experience perhaps without the other even knowing?

And so to be unmasked. To be us. Unapologetically. To give ourselves the grace of ‘I might not say everything right and sometimes I might say things that sound judgey or show my imperfections but I know that person knows, sees or understands me well enough to listen, to question and to know I am not bad.’

And to extend that same grace to them?

What a beautiful gift.

And the wonderful thing about substack is we can find our people here too.

You may remember that last week I wrote about the:

Where I was questioning how do we hold onto hope whilst making peace with where we are at.

I was particularly asking the wonderful community of women that exist here and talk about life with chronic health conditions and sometimes combined neurodivergence & perimenopause in the mix.

I wanted to know how do they do it? Because I felt as sea with it all.

The old me, would not have written that piece. As I wrote it, my mind leant in towards: This is heavy, stop moaning, third world problems. SHHHHHH.

But it’s my reality, my thoughts, how I feel. It is real. It’s not polyfilled with sugar to make it more pallatable and jolly to read.

I was unmasked me.

And this week, I came across two wonderful substack reads that brought answers to my questions. One where Lisa talked about:

Getting a Handle on Multiple Chronic Conditions

Lisa shares her journey with chronic illnesses and getting diagnosed and how she constantly researched and questioned (which is where I am / was) but has now found that seeing how she is on the day, in the moment has been the best thing for her.

She doesn’t say it is easy but what challenge is.

And then just today, I read:

Am I sick because I’m a woman?

Amanda shares what it was like to experience trauma and loss at an early age and the realities of what it felt like to grow up into a woman without her mum. She highlights and talks about the truth of what it is like to be a woman in this world and the relationship between auto-immune diseases and women. She asks the very powerful question: Am I sick because I’m a woman?

Wham.

She pieced together and articluated what has been on my mind but I haven’t been able to say. My life has not been easy, as it hasn’t been for many of you.

There has been a whole lot of trauma, they say with every decade of unresolved trauma accumulates in your body, layering and layering the pressure on your nervous system.

All of the unsaids that we hold in and hold onto and don’t feel safe to say out loud, the people pleasing, the supressing. Adding in the layers as I have mentioned bafore that go hand in hand with not knowing we are ADHD /Autistic.

Perhaps, no wonder, I am not well. Perhaps no wonder so many of us are not well. And no wonder that we can’t bounce back after a couple of months. We aren’t just processing a couple of months worth of pain.

When we reach perimenopause of a life lived that way, we can find ourselves looking up from the bottom of an emptied well, trying to climb our way out, silently calling for help.

Photo by Valentin Lacoste on Unsplash

And so, these women, their stories, their unmasked honesty has brought relief, a mirror to my own life and challenges. They have wrapped an arm around me with their words. They have thrown a rope down to me and lifted me a little so I am closer to the light.

They have somehow validated my writings because maybe someone, somewhere needs to read that too. THANK YOU.

I am left feeling pretty in awe of the connection that can be found when we are our true selves, how it can light up our soul and give us energy rather than drain it.

The way that neurons fire in our brains with the all the possibilty that a person, a conversation, a post, a chance meeting brings.

It’s a spark of life that shines so clearly in away I haven’t seen before. And whilst my world, particularly over the last few years in many ways has got smaller, it is so much richer.

So here’s to unmasking, to being us. To letting ourselves be seen and extending the same to those around us.

To a warm knowing with those we have just met. And perhaps new depths to be discovered in our long term friendships.

I would love to hear from you if this is clicking and ticking little boxes with you, have you found new depths of connection when you are able to be the truest version of YOU?

And as always, thank you for being here x