Why so angry?
Has rage been part of your perimenopausal experience? There can be many contributing factors. We'll cover some of them here along with some coping strategies that you might find helpful.
I wasn’t always angry. In fact, if I was honest, I don’t think I ever experienced true anger till I hit 40. Before then, there was frustration, there was hurt, there were a whole lot of internalised and supressed emotions that I didn’t know how to access.
I’d been shoving them down into the bottom of my size 8 feet for so long, that I don’t think I knew how to do otherwise.
The weird thing is, I would feel enraged at injustice against others, a friend being badly treated but when it came to injustices in my own life? Anger was no where to be found, I just seemed to accept it, somehow.
That was until perimenopause hit.
I became angry about the wrong choice of words.
Angry when my feelings were invalidated by others.
Angry that my time was not my own.
Angry that I had been doing the lions share of the work in the home.
I was angry that I did so much and it seemed as though everyone else was blind.
Blind to the socks on the stairs, blind to the toilet that needed cleaning, blind to the realities of the 6am starts and the 9pm finishes just to maintain a home, family and work.
Angry that I did not feel SEEN.
But I wasn’t just angry for me. I was angry for all women. The odds are so very stacked against us, in pretty much all areas of life.
From the drugs we are prescribed (that have been trialled on the size and weight of an average white man), to the research or lack of, that has been done, with women deemed harder to study because of our fluctuating hormone patterns. * Cue obligatory eye roll
As if that is an excuse to not include over half the population in research?! But as we know it’s all about money, who’s investing and what their purpose is.
Workplaces where the hierarchy is predominantly male, where mothers requesting flexible working or working part time are often seen and felt as a burden to the team and we know less likely to get a promotion.
And then there’s the very painful topic that is the safety or rather the lack of,for women. That we always have to think about where we are going and what our escape plan is.
I had always known we lived in an unequal society, I just hadn’t really SEEN it. But once you do? You cannot go back. I’ve described it before like wearing rose tinted glasses, it was a though I had been walking round with them on in life this far. But when they came off, I couldn’t see things any other way.
And the worst thing of all in this?
I was angry at myself, for my quiet contribution to the inequalites. The ones that I had let my children witness.
I had done that.
I had shown them a mum that cooks, cleans, clears up, doesn’t sit down, on repeat. I had modelled that for them.
I had said yes when I meant no. I had stretched myself beyond my limitations and was stood there waiting for something in return.
And, really? I only had myself to blame.
I hadn’t seen me.
Of course, this isn’t the only source of the anger, I mean it’s more than enough but it isn’t the whole piece.
There were definately key times in my cycle in perimenopause where RAGE was present from the second my eyelids opened. With the drop in progesterone that happens in early perimenopause and the very high and fluctuating oestrogen levels, well, it leaves us rather exposed in the raw burning anger department.
For me, ovulation time, when my oestrogen levels were at their peak was the worst. I needed get out plans and backout clauses and a warning emitted to all around me that it was DAY 14!!!
TAKE COVER.
As a late discovered Autistic ADHDer I can now see how this has contributed to a very challenging experience. I can see how the ever ON motor inside my head, drove me to always be doing and so I have to acknowledge that my brain from the inside out had me trapped in a cycle of doing it all with the inability to STOP.
Pre disovery and diagnosis? I simply did not know how.
I can see that at times what I thought were purely hormonal outburst were also actually autistic meltdowns. My brain was overheating, completely overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do, other than melt down.
The way that ADHDers processes information is often more led with our hippocampus (part of the emotion processing centre of our brain), at times it can feel like it is almost bypassing our prefrontal cortex (along with the logic). We are perhaps, more susceptible to explosive responses to narky comments and neggie undercurrents, never mind when you start messing about with our hormones.
All ‘count to 10 and breath’ has been thrown out the window along with the plate we are holding, as we have waded in, rolled up our sleeves and polished off the invisable knuckle dusters.
The result of which is positively catastrophic and feels very out of control.
I have spent a long time feeling bad and shame for these things. I am an imperfect perimenopausal woman just doing her best. But society is not kind to women. We’ve been locked up, shut down and cancelled for less reasons than being angry.
It runs so deep.
Often, as women, mothers, friends and partners, we feel it is almost our obligation to be always kind and smiley and letting it go and when we don’t, when we can’t? Of course we feel bad.
But the reality is, anger is a necessary part of the human experience. It is natural to feel angry about injustices to others and ourselves. I can’t help but wonder when the balance has been so far tipped the other way for so long, when we get to perimenopause ,it all erupts like a volcano. Layered with the complexities of neurodivergent masking. IT’S TOO MUCH.
Metres and metres of angry lava spill out, until it starts to cool.
And maybe only when it cools,perhaps, we learn that we can express anger without rage. That anger is a necessary tool to create change. We can carve out more balanced and equal lives around us. We can stand up for the injustices and disparities we see in the workplace. We can tune into those feelings that tell us we are not safe, or that or boundaries have been crossed.
We can say NO.
We can stop pushing it all down and we can find more healthy ways to let it out, like a valve that needs to be released, in the moment. So there’s no bottling it up and bubbling over.
And maybe we can accept that sometimes we still might lose it.
It doesn’t make us bad.
It makes us human.
And that’s ok.
Has anger and rage been a part of your perimenopausal journey? How did it show up for you and what has helped? I’d love to know.
These are some of the things that I have found helpful:
Think of the anger, like an energy that needs to be burned off, used up, got out.
How can you release it in a safe way?
Can you: Scream into a pillow? Go for a run? Lift some heavy weights? Get into cold water? The sea? There’s nothing quite like the abrupt coldness and bumpy waves to ground you.
Have an escape plan
I used to keep a spare set of headphones by the front door so that if I needed to burn it off, on a walk, I wasn’t getting even more annoyed about not finding my headphones. The importance was that when I felt it coming on, I got out.
Keep a tab on when you feel your worst
I tracked my cycle and noticed that there were certain times when it was particularly bad. This meant I could try to plan around these times and days, reduce my interaction with others, make sure I was looking after myself.
Warn those around me when I was feeling ragey
I’d try to explain in as few words as possible, today is not a good day. I need my space and if I respond in a firey way, please know it is not deliberate but how I am feeling on the inside. And for goodness sake, DO NOT TOUCH ME!
After an explosion
Post explosion, I would analyse. What was the trigger? Very often I could trace it back to feeling overwhelmed because I had two much on my plate and I needed some more support from those around me. I would then have these conversations when I was out of the danger zone.
Move on and let the shame go
I would get stuck here, sometimes for days, draining my energy feeling bad and guilty and full of shame. It has taken work to get better at this. But once I have exploded? If I feel I need to make some apologies, I will do that when I can.
I will also remind myself of all the things I have shared with you today. I try to exercise self-compassion and remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. It takes practice but it does get easier.
Some benefits to the anger
It has helped me find my voice. It has helped me make changes in my personal life and relationships where I can speak up when I feel the balance is out.
I am learning to better protect my boundaries. To say NO when I feel something is too much rather than do the thing because I am worried about upsetting someone and then, losing it at the wrong moment. I feel less resentful and less unseen as a result.
Useful resources and links
Unlocking neurodiversity - exploring the connection with hormones
If you’d like to know more about the relationship between ADHD, Autism and Perimenopause (and hormones of course), I’ll be hosting a webinar on Wednesday 25th September at 7pm. You can find out more here. There is also a 20% promocode which will be going out to all substack subscribers.
And thank you for being here. It means a lot x
