How oestrogen spikes can mess with your brain and your life in perimenopause

Smashed plates, self sabotage and living in the woods.

Ragey, angry, impulsive,frustrated, ready to burn it all down, a duracell bunny with feet glued to the ground, a brain that is plugged into the mains, too many volts to actually do anything with, on edge, crying,considering ending it all, a head that was everywhere and nowhere. All at once.

These are some of the words I would use to describe what oestrogen spikes, as an AUDHD woman, have felt like to me.

Perhaps you can relate?

When tracking my cycle, I began to notice a common theme that developed in the early stages of perimenopause. Instead of a bit of PMT in the build up to my period, I was getting that and this off the scale time, that seemed to start mid-way through my cycle.

Making it feel that I only really had one ok week in the month.

The day that was THE WORST?

DAY 14.

Ovulation day

The day when our oestrogen levels are typically at their peak to get that egg released.

Before perimenopause, this is often the time of the month when we feel really good, perhaps full of beans, more sociable, more peopley. My friend in her 30’s describes it as her Beyonce time, which I love.

Perimenopause seems to swap Beyonce for Cruella de ville who seems to take great delight in sabotaging your mind and body from the inside out. It left me feeling that I would quite frankly disown my body at that point, for she was not to be trusted.

The slightest noise, abandonded sock, pile on the stairs, the husband that thought he’d lay in before work, rather than think of getting up to HELP with the kids, well it was enough to send me into some kind of tornado, spiralling and spiralling until I exploded beyond all recognisable me.

#Sorrynotsorry

I held a lot of guilt and a sense of being crazy at these times which conflicted with an outright refusal to apologise. Why should I? I was fed up of apologising, I was always apologising, I was ANGRY and there was no space for sorry.

And then a few days would pass and sometimes I could just about bring myself to.

Those times, felt SO extreme, SO heavy, SO dark and thick and with no way out. They were a long grass that had to be walked through, there was no quick fix or remedy, when they happened, I had to ride it and try to be as least destructive as possible.

Plan B

I came up with a plan B, so when I felt the chest constricting, the rage rising up from my feet, the tightness in my throat, I could take action. I kept a spare pair of headphones by the door so that I could leave quickly and go for a walk.

Sometimes though, this was only made worse by the sound of the cars and the busy roads we lived near because of course, overstimulation. I didn’t have the words or as much understanding then.

Becoming Hulk

It’s at these times, that I have been the woman most likely to smash things. I had a lovely set of plates, vintage 1970’s. I only have 4 of a set of 10 left. I have never thrown them at anyone but none the less, I have smashed them.

Sometimes I would catch myself in the moment, or just after in the carnage and question who on earth was I? Who was I becoming? It felt very much like becoming hulk. The angry monster of a woman inside was breaking out, I couldn’t hide her away hide anymore.

Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

It was ugly and raw and animalistic.

In hindsight and with the understanding I now have, I can see so clearly that I was already overwhelmed, my nervous system was at max capacity, that was before perimenopause hit.

Life, trauma, the pandemic, having a family, not knowing about my neurodivergence,working, financial worries, illness, loss, all of it, takes it’s toll.

The hormonal changes and fluctuations that come with perimenopause reduce our window of tolerance, it wasn’t just hormonal rage, it was also autistic overwhelm and meltdowns. There was the odd time when I could get into bed and hide under the covers, verging on meltdown but turning into shutdown.

And then, once the overwhelm and overstimulation had passed, I could breath again.

But it is tough isn’t it

Because this experience does not happen in isolation. For those of us that are late disovered ADHD / Autistic or both, we might find this out as a result of perimenopause. It can be a trigger to unmasking, we no longer have the energy the bandwith to cover over anymore.

We are discovering who we are, we are grieving and trying to make peace with that at a time when we are most hormonally challenged.

I have seen the studies around women living longer if they live alone rather than married / with a partner and have wondered if women that live alone have a more, shall we say, linear time of perimenopause?

Because living in a house with family, children, teenagers, a husband, with their own frustrations and up and down days and the guilt that we often feel about how we have acted, well that can’t be overlooked.

Would this be so intense I wonder, if we ran off for a while to live in caravans in the woods?

I can’t help thinking it would be easier.

For those of you that haven’t seen The Change, where one lady turns 50 and does just that, after keeping count of all the hours she has dedicated to the family and decides to takes some of it back, leaving her rather shell shocked and ill equiped husband holding the reigns. It’s a great watch.

Photo by Olena Bohovyk on Unsplash

The pattern and the triggers that came up over and over and over for me, was that I was tired, I was all out, I needed more help, more support, I felt overlooked, I felt invisible, I was struggling and why could nobody see it. It made me feel unimportant, I guess, unloved, perhaps.

Of course, I have since learnt that a big part of this is that I couldn’t see me.

The sock or pile on the stairs might be the thing that set me off but it was a metaphor for everything else, the sheer load that I felt I carried, why was I always the one picking up the sock? Cleaning the toilet turds? Why was that on me? I had reached the end of my tether to do my duties, why were they solely my duties?

So there is also an element of that wild oestogen ride that you could argue, allows you to see some things for how they really are. I have often described it like, taking off the rose tinted glasses and seeing the world and your own life with all its inequality and injustice and it no longer allows you to sit with it.

It forces you to create change and perhaps a more sustainable future. If you’d like to read more about my thoughts on why we can feel so angry at this point in our lives, check out the letter below.

And yet as I write this, my thought goes to the women for whom it isn’t safe to explode. What do they do? Those who are in domestic abusive relationships, who’s nervous systems will be well and truly running on empty.

Who may well be Autistic / ADHD, with lower windows of tolerance going through perimenopause, what does perimenopause unmasking / meltdowns / shutdowns look like for them?

A survey by The Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education on the impact of menopause on relationships found that two thirds (67%) of women who had divorced or separated reported an increase in domestic abuse and arguments during the menopause.

In addition, a 2020 report by the charity AVA (Against Violence and Abuse) stated there was a ‘two-way’ relationship between menopause and domestic abuse.

‘Menopause impacts women’s relationships, and domestic abuse may impact menopause symptoms, with negative symptoms or experiences compounding or obscuring one another,’ the report stated.

The AVA report also highlighted how nearly four in ten (39%) women killed by men in the UK are in the 36-55 age range. The majority of UK women will start to experience perimenopausal symptoms in their forties, while the average of menopause in the UK is 51.

It is way too much isn’t it? It is one of the many reasons that we need so much more support, research and information out there for women to be able to access.

What can help?

Understanding our neurotype

Once we understand our neurotype, we can get a better insight on how our brain works, what our needs are, how our nervous system can find calm. We can work with it, not punish it or work against it.

Understand what’s going on with our hormones

Perimenopause in the early stages, is less about low oestrogen levels and more about peaks and troughs. Sometimes, our oestrogen levels can be higher than ever before. High oestrogen and low progesterone means we are all out of hormonal balance.

It can leave us feeling very unpredictable and like we don’t know which way is up. Tracking your cycle can really help to identify tricky times, especially in the early stages.

Understanding the relationship between our hormones and our brain

Whilst oestrogen, can help boost neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, GABA and glutamate, too much of anything is not a good thing and can increase our feelings of overstimulation, anxiety and aggression.

Progesterone only HRT / Mirena coil

Once we understand our hormones and can track when we feel bad it can help to highlight what a plan might be in terms of HRT. If you are in the early stages of perimenopause, adding in more oestrogen may serve to exacerbate all the things we have mentioned here. Which is why options like the mirena coil, utrogestan on it’s own can help to smooth things out for a while.

Verbalising your needs after a meltdown

Can you analyse after the event, what was your trigger? Where can you ask for support / help to reduce the feeling of overwhelm? Where there warning signs? Cues that can be picked up on earlier?

Have some compassion and then some more

For you. Yourself. Buckets of it. Strangely the more I have practised self compassion, the more I have validated my own feelings and yes that often looks like conversations with myself “You have every right to feel angry Sophie”, “Yes it is very unfair”, “It’s ok to be this upset”, etc.

The more I have done that, the less angry, upset and bad I feel. When I use a negative tone with myself the opposite it true, it only adds fuel to an already blazing fire.

I promise, it really does help. Talk to yourself, like your best friend, who you can see is having a really rough time of it and doesn’t deserve any of it.

Be that friend. Be your friend.

Know that this will pass

I am almost 5 years in and this has eased so much for me. I am now in more of a low oestrogen phase and whilst this has it’s challenges it is nothing like living in the extremes of the early days.

The fears I held about not recognising me, well it turns out that in many ways, I don’t but for good reasons. I am more vocal about my needs, I feel more comfortable saying if something has annoyed me, when I feel that, rather than pushing it down.

I’m not saying that meltdowns never happen because ya know, this world and I am autistic but I can see that there has been a real positive shift because of it all. I am learning to take and not just give. Less resentment, less anger, more balance.

So if you are reading this. Hang on in there. This WILL pass.

Break a leg but preferably a plate, or two. It’s ok.

Big love x